true tales from the gates of the underworld

July 18, 2011, 1:06 pm
Filed under: Life | Tags: , ,

During these days when I am feeling sad it always helps that there are others who believe I am on the right path, and who can see the silver lining in my place. I can’t help but feel guilty about so many things. I feel guilty for not eating much. I just don’t enjoy it at the moment, even though I usually love food. I don’t have the energy to make something nice, I am too tired. I am worried that it has started to impact on my milk supply. I have plenty, certainly more than enough to satisfy Squidge and his hunger, but I have noticed a change. And now Squidge is on medication to stop the constant vomiting, he is not feeding as often, further reducing my supply. He was weighed today, and despite not vomiting as often anymore, he has dropped another centile line on the chart. He is still just above average, but for him, the drop is fairly dramatic. I can’t help but wonder if it is my fault.
There is the guilt that I can tell a straight-faced lie to someone who is only trying to help me. Maybe the silver lining is based on this lie. Writing it down means admitting it to myself, I guess. I’ve always been good at the whole self-sabotage thing. It’s even worse because I am aware of it, yet feel unable to change things at present.
I don’t like my post-baby body, I don’t feel particularly comfortable with it. It’s not the weight, or even my shape. I just preferred being pregnant, despite the pain I was in.
I feel guilty because I can’t face doing anything today. I want to go upstairs, pull the duvet over my head and not hear or see anything for a few hours. But of course I can’t. I have two children to look after, and things to do today. I am so tired.


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