true tales from the gates of the underworld


life goes on
July 26, 2011, 11:27 am
Filed under: Life | Tags: , , ,

And so I carry on, day by day. There have been some worse and some better days lately.
I am learning to find the fine balance between looking after myself and sabotaging my efforts, and walking that line. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I carry my guilt around with me. Squidge is growing and thriving, but I am ashamed to admit that, while I love him fiercely, I am lacking the connection with him that I have with Raptor. As long as he is given all his medication regularly, he is a happy and healthy baby, smiling, cooing and gaining weight. But I have found myself holding him, not wanting to let him go, because I am desperate to feel something for him while he is in my arms. The only thing I feel is guilt, because I don’t feel connected to him. I search and I search, but I can’t find anything. It hurts. Yet, when he looks at me with his big eyes, or smiles, I know he is mine, and I love him.

In other things, our house is finally starting to take on shape. It looks more like a home, and less like a temporary squat now. The walls are painted, things are tidy, and the carpet and furniture is on order. Life goes on.

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