true tales from the gates of the underworld

Like a phoenix from the ashes
November 14, 2011, 8:35 pm
Filed under: Life | Tags: , , , ,

I have been busy lately.  I’ve finally managed to complete my Doula course, set up my website, run around like a headless chicken trying to organise children, friends and my life, keeping up with orders of all things fluffy, and running a household.
In all the drama and stress it appears that I have forgotten to be depressed. This may sound odd, but I have just not had the time to wallow in my usual vicious cycle of self pity and lack of motivation. Out of necessity. These things had to be done, so I did them, stressed about it, worried, almost drove myself crazy… and somehow came out of the other end smiling. I first realised this when I was on the train home from Kent. A guy in a Pac Man costume got on the train and sat down not far from me. I could see his large, round and yellow head sticking up above the seats. I giggled to myself, then, realising what I was doing, became aware of how something has changed. I don’t think that the change was sudden, it is too dramatic, too different to have happened over night. It has been a slow, gradual improvement, like a dissipating fog. Only now that the for is lifting can I see just how dark the last few months have been.
The birth of a baby is supposed to be a happy time. That’s what everyone has us believe, anyway. I was so determined to prove all my doubters wrong, determined to get everything right this time, and be superwoman that I lost myself somewhere in the process. Nobody is superwoman (although some people I know come pretty damn close!). Once you put on that mask, it is difficult to take it off again and tell people the truth. This time, the decision was taken from me, and it was probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.
I realise I don’t have anything to prove, especially not to outsiders. A very wise friend told me a few days ago that if anyone thinks I am not coping very well with my children and my life, and have a problem with it, then they are not friends, and they are not worth it. She is absolutely right. It’s a shame that it has taken me so long to realise this, though.

Life as a mother is relentless, frustrating, tiring, often annoying, angering; and oh, the worrying! But at the same time, if you can get past those things, it is the most rewarding thing in the world. Every day brings something new, and it is amazing to see your children grow from helpess little babies (often smelly and with screwed up, angry little red faces) into people with a strong sense of right and wrong as they discover the world for themselves.

The fog is lifting, and, after everything, I can finally start enjoying this thing everyone is raving about. I feel like a new person.


The things we knew were true
November 7, 2011, 10:43 pm
Filed under: Life | Tags: , , ,

Recently, it was suggested to me that I should not be jealous of my younger brother. This had never really occured to me. It made me think.
In my mind, my brother is still very much the child he was when I last lived with him seven and a half years ago, only bigger, louder and even more sure of himself. He has the whole world worked out, lives fast and parties harder. Thinks that it should be this easy for everyone, but still lives at home, where the food appears when he wants it and the laundry washes itself. Everything else would be unfair.
And why not? If it is there, your best bet is to grab it with both hands.
Years ago, when we still ruled the world and knew everything, we were the same. We believed, truly.

Now, we have become cynical, beaten down by life and experience. Should we wish on them the same cynicism? Or let them enjoy life while they still know everything?
Life has its own ways of sneaking up on you when you least expect it and before you know it it will teach you all the things you thought you knew.

I, for one, couldn’t live the way my brother does. His lifestyle doesn’t suit me. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to still know everything.