true tales from the gates of the underworld


The wonders of (un)happy pills
July 9, 2012, 8:11 pm
Filed under: Life | Tags: , , , , , ,

When I started on anti depressants for severe PND 14 months ago, I certainly needed them. Hormonally linked depression hit me hard and fast, and at the time, there was no other way out. Well, there was, but not a good one. They balanced me to the extent that I was no longer crying at EVERYTHING, I no longer wanted to run away and hide. I can’t say that they made me happy, though.
Over the months, symptoms came and went. The most apparent was the feeling of complete disconnection. It was as if someone had cut off the connection from my brain to my body. I KNEW that feeling sad, happy or affectionate was appropriate for certain situations, but my body just didn’t react. It got to the point where I barely smiled, never cried, I didn’t even get angry. I wasn’t a person anymore. I couldn’t even remember what it felt like to have proper feelings.
Bit by bit, they came, as I decreased my dosage. I started to smile, to relax. I finally felt that rush, the fabled overwhelming feeling of love that some mothers experience after birth. I had known for a while that I loved my Squidge, but because my body hadn’t felt it, there was a part of me missing.
I’m sure my husband is enjoying the effects of the reduced dosage, too. Nobody likes living with a zombie.
I’ve wanted to get better for so long, but I didn’t know how, I didn’t realise for a long time that something was missing. It took some very sad events to make me realise that the only way to find myself again, was to take away the veil of the medication. I did it against medical advice from my psychiatrist, against the opinion of he health visitor. They all said it was a sign of desperation, a symptom. Nobody believed that I may just know myself better than they do.
As soon as a week after beginning to wean myself off, I felt much more human. People remarked that my eyes had regain a glimmer, as opposed to the dull, blank stare from before.y face had expression.
The medication might have made the postnatal depression bearable, but in the end, they were keeping me in this place of disconnection.
I am whole again.