true tales from the gates of the underworld

January 3, 2013, 9:53 pm
Filed under: Life | Tags: , , ,

While I am feeding you to sleep, I remember all the times I have hoped for you to fall asleep quickly. I remember all the times I got frustrated with your boundless energy, and your chatter when it was so clearly bedtime.
I remember the times I got annoyed with you for bouncing around the bed rather than laying next to me, quietly drinking and drifting off to sleep the way your brother used to.
I remember all of this as you plant a sloppy wet kiss on my chin, one on my cheek and another on my eye, then throw your arms around my neck and say “Awww, cuuggles”… and I realise that these are our private moments. Nobody else gets to share these with us. Not your daddy, or your brother. Not your grandparents or nursery workers. This is our time. I do not wish it away, you won’t always be small, and you won’t always want me to hold you while you play, crawl, laugh and bounce yourself to sleep.
In the moments when you rest and take a break on my chest, little hands playing with whatever they can find, I breathe in your smell and try to commit it to memory, the way I try to remember every little thing you do and say, every cheeky grin, every sloppy kiss. I realise these moments will soon be nothing more than memories.. so after you fall asleep, I spend a few minutes or a few hours every night just watching you sleep, calm for the first time of the day. I listen to your breathing, your sighs as you dream. I admire the curly brown hair on the back of your head that is so unlike your brother’s.
Sometimes I even gently stroke your back, careful not to wake you.

I don’t wish this time away, I wish I could save it forever. I wish you would stay like this forever, but I look at you and your brother, and I take pride in how you have grown and learned.
I will just have to make the most of the time that is given to us.



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