true tales from the gates of the underworld

October 20, 2017, 11:27 am
Filed under: Life, ND is OK, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , ,

In one week, we will face the day we have been waiting for since the day 4 years ago when I went to see our Health Visitor, desperate because Squidge just wouldn’t sleep. The wait intensified when we were referred, on his Reception teacher’s request, for an ASC assessment. 

Over the years, there have been different stages of waiting; at first it’s nervous anticipation. Once your hopes have been crushed some 300 times you’ve come home to no post from the assessment team, you learn to temper your emotions a little. You push it to the back of your mind, you are in no man’s land. Every day when you return home you get a little reminder that you are still waiting, that nothing has changed. 

Once in a while someone asks you how the assessment process is going, and you resolve to phone the team, to beg for a cancellation (again), or for any information at all. You just want a little glimmer to feed your hopes. You wait by the phone for days, nervously. When the call finally comes, of course it brings no relief. 

You push it to the back of your mind again, repeating the cycle. One day, just when you have resigned yourself to the fact that it will probably never happen, you come home to a letter. A letter with a date. 

The fear begins to set in, along with the doubts. 

What if we got it all wrong? What if they just can not see what we see, live with every day and night? What if it’s all down to our parenting? 

The fears are much more centred around not getting a diagnosis and having to live without support and answers in limbo for another 2, 5, 10, 30 years. 

You would have thought that after such a long wait, this last bit would be easy, but it doesn’t feel like you know you are coming home. It feels like you should come home, like your long awaited comfortable safe space might be there, or it may have disappeared, been redecorated or put on its head while you were travelling. 

One more week.